Just recently I became
aware of your website, this only after a friend of mine emailed and let
me know that my name was posted with some details that recount a story
that I told about my
Vietnam
military days. Since then I have gone to the site and read about
myself and many others all that have been essentially called liars and
frauds. I have also read several apologies most of which I can
tell were done in anguish and shame.
While what appears on
the website does capture the details of a story that I told one night
over twenty years ago it does not by any means tell a story about me.
And I would suspect that this is true of nearly all of those whose names
appear on this site. If the others are like me I would guess that
most of us know, understand, and have to live with the fact that lying
about ourselves did far greater damage to us as individuals than it ever
did to anyone else. Although my claims to be a POW, Medal of
Honor winner, who served in the Special Forces were false I believe that
those who did suffer as POW’s and those who did win the CMH, and those
that were in the SF; have lived and earned a distinction that no one can
diminish, take away, or dishonor. The only dishonoring that was
done was to, in my case, me.
Although I did lie and
have lived it by not correcting it, the truth is I doubt that there are
twenty people that know about it. I say this because, rather than
summon the courage to “set the record” straight, which I have had
the opportunity to do on several occasions, I either acknowledged it as
being true, or let people believe what they had heard. And on each
of those occasions, with every missed opportunity, I felt a deep sense
of guilt and shame. My belief was that if I just never talked
about it would eventually go away. Although this tactic gave me
some solace, it didn’t address the core issue; that being that I knew
there were those who did believe those things about me. But the
more troubling issue for me was that it also caused me to question my
character, I mean who would tell such a story and why?
Life is a journey
during which, hopefully, each of us learn and accept who we really are.
My journey has been at times difficult, but many times rewarding.
I know that I have come a long way since my youth. I also know
that experience, and experiences, shape people. In my case I know
that I struggled with my self esteem for many years, still do to some
degree, but I also know that creating a false image is not the answer.
Somewhere along the line I came to terms with the reality
that I had to learn to like me…for me, and as me. I could easily
go into my childhood and growing up, and I could rationalize and conjure
up all kinds of reasons and excuses for feeling the need to be liked or
admired for someone other than who I am. But at the end of the day
that is all they would be; excuses and rationalizations…and worse I
learned that this kind of thinking never allows one to learn to like
oneself or get to know oneself.
Just to set the record
straight: I am a
Vietnam
veteran, serving in the US Army from September 10, 1967-July 5, 1970.
I was a member of a Task Force (not SF) but an engineering task force
(27th LCT) that cleared jungle and was known as the Jungle
Eaters. Our missions always included extended periods (several
weeks) in field operations clearing jungle with specially designed
bulldozers. The missions were nearly all in areas of concentrated
enemy buildups, or hot spots, the goal, of course, to take away the
enemy cover. And while the dozers had a protective canopy designed
to protect the operators from falling trees and debris, it did nothing
to stop and RPG, or for that matter even protect them from small arms
fire. Our NDP’s were shared with the Cavalry and Infantry units
that were assigned to provide us with protection. Interestingly,
during operations we were the ones that were always on the point of the
spear, necessarily so, because our mission was to clear the jungle thus
exposing the enemy to our cavalry and infantry units, while at the same
time allowing us to find enemy stores, caches, and even enemy
underground hospitals. Although incredibly risky, it was an
assignment that made us all proud, indeed the majority of our unit was
comprised of volunteers. We were one of the first, if not the
first, units into
Cambodia
, something that I remember as giving us a feeling of pride, offset by
the fear of knowing that we were going into an area in which we expected
the worst.
I was rapidly promoted,
achieving the rank of E-6 Staff Sergeant and was awarded three Bronze
Stars and the Purple Heart. My commanding officer also wrote a
letter on my behalf recommending me for a direct commission. I
still have the draft copy but I honestly do not remember whether he ever
officially sent it to the powers that make that kind of decision.
I do know that my priority was to take the path of least resistance and
get out of the Army as soon as I could, so this may have had some impact
on both his and my decision to pursue a commission. In fact I had
forgotten all about it until just recently when while going through my
military records I came across the draft letter that he had written.
I think my reason for
sharing this detail is to make a point; I have a military record that I
am proud of, and I would have to believe that making Staff Sergeant in
less than three years was a testimony that someone thought I had what it
takes to be a leader. The question that I struggle with is: why
didn’t I recognize and accept that for what it was, rather than
fabricate something else? Although I believe that now, at 58-years
old, I do know why; I also know that it has probably taken that long for
me to understand it and I know that I am certainly not capable of
explaining it, nor for that matter do I believe it is necessary.
All that is necessary now is to admit it; and I do, and apologize for
it; and I do. And then of course live with it; and I will.
Anyway, seven years ago
I thought I had begun to put this behind me, for it was then that one
person came to me and questioned my story. He had never heard it
from me, but from someone else; anyway he challenged me and fortunately
he did it in such a way that I knew that I had to come clean, which I
did. He was a retired military colonel and interestingly, once I
told him the true story I also asked him what he thought I should do.
At the time I had written a letter that I planned to send to all of my
fellow employees in which I told the whole story and in which I also
tendered my resignation from my position as a union leader. Once
he read the letter, he gave me some surprising advice. He told me
that I should not send the letter because he knew that this story was
only known by a very few people. He went on to tell me that he
felt like I was indeed a good man doing a good job.
Today I do regret not
sending that letter, however I also do agree with him. I know that
I am a good man, one that made a mistake, a mistake that cuts deep and
one that caused me to question my very own character. But to me,
my character is no longer a question because I know who I am and am
proud of what I have become. I like myself and I truly enjoy what
I do.
A final thought,
actually more an observation. I do believe that the person who is
responsible for posting my Vietnam story on the website was motivated by
something other than the greater good of Vietnam veterans, POW’s, or
CMOH recipients; I say this based upon the timing of the two posts that
I have seen, both done during a time of elections for our union. I
also question that persons courage because in my mind I would expect to
challenge someone first, give that person the opportunity to do the
right thing and set the record straight, before I exposed them on a
public website. I would do this because I have learned, and
believe, that almost every single one of us have our weaknesses, our
hidden faults, and because I do believe this I also accept that none of
us are perfect, that we are all struggling in some way or another.
To me it just seems like a much more honorable and honest approach to
help one another overcome our various hurdles, unless of course our
motivation is to capitalize on them. It also seems to me that when
one expects honor of others they should hold themselves to the same high
standard.
I want to close by
saying that I do indeed apologize for my lie; it was neither honorable
nor necessary. Ironically, though, it did far more damage to me,
than it did to anyone else. The good thing; my conscience is
finally, completely and totally clear and as a result I like myself much
better. As for the future, this may indeed come back to
haunt me, it may prevent me from achieving a goal, but it will not stop
me from trying. So to whomever, regardless of your intentions; I
owe you a debt of gratitude. Thanks. –and I do mean it.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Brannan
P.S: This email
is going to as many people as I can think of that may have some
knowledge of this story. It is also going on my future website,
with a referral back to your website. I do not want to hide this
or cover it up; I instead intend to live with it, not that I am proud of
it in any way, but because I know that I made a mistake, and one that I
know that I must correct, if for no other reason than for my own
personal satisfaction and conscious.
Please feel free to
contact me at my email address, dan@danbrannan.com.
If you need copies of my DD214 or of the medals that I have
received please let me know. Thanks
